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Blog About Potty Training Abuse Court Case

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0400

I read about the Arizona child abuse trial involving Raul and Trica Varela and my heart sank—first for the child, and then for the parents. The broken bones and bruises inflicted on the Varela’s 4-year-old daughter during a “potty-training war” speaks to the frustration parents often experience when attempting to toilet train their children.

While there is likely a lot more to the Valera situation than two parents trying to potty train a child, and while most parents would never allow their emotions and their behavior to get as out of control as these two parents did, much can be learned from this cautionary tale.

Toilet training often causes parents to act in ways that are far beyond what is normal for them. The tipping point is often the complete exhaustion and exasperation that builds up after two years or more of dealing with the constant hassle and aggravation of dirty diapers.

If you hope to potty train your child, it is crucial to avoid setting yourself up for failure. Wait for your child to be physically, intellectually, and emotionally ready to use the toilet. Avoid setting deadlines. Instead give the process many months to produce the desired results. Expect and accept normal accidents and setbacks. Praise any amount of progress no matter how small it is. And find comfort in the reality that this too shall pass. (Do you know of a normal kindergartener who still wears diapers? Probably not.)

With a solid strategy and a healthy amount of patience, I promise you that dirty diapers can and will indeed be a thing of the past.

Top Ten Things Kids Say That Ruin a Holiday Visit

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:04:00 -0500

(Especially when spoken in a whiny voice)

I don’t like it here!
I’m bored!
There’s no one to play with!
Something stinks!
Is there anything to eat?
I accidentally broke something!
The toilet’s stopped up!
I’m going to be sick!
How much longer do we have to stay?
Can we go now?

How to Stop Your Child From Saying Things That Can Ruin a Holiday Visit
(Without the Use of a Gag, a Muzzle, or Tape–Smile)

1. I don’t like it here!

No one enjoys being a tag-along instead of an invited guest. Avoid taking your child to places and events that are geared toward adults and do not accommodate the needs and desires of children.

2. I’m bored!

Bring along things for your child to do that will not make a mess or damage or destroy anything. Portable DVD players and/or electronic games (with headphones) work well. And so do coloring books and activity books that don’t require permanent markers, paint, or water.

3. There’s no one to play with!

Whenever appropriate, try to include your child in as many conversations and activities as possible. In the event this is impossible, get your child involved with independent activities that he or she will enjoy doing.

4. Something stinks!

Discuss with your child the negative things that he or she might encounter in another environment. Then explain to your child that negative comments about someone else’s environment are rude and should not be said.

5. Is there anything to eat?

Unless the event includes a meal, feed your child before the event. Also bring along non-messy snacks that your child will enjoy eating during the event.

6. I accidentally broke something!

Instruct your child ahead of time not to run or engage in any other kind of boisterous activity indoors. Try to keep your child away from valuable objects or objects that are in precarious locations. If at all possible, make sure that you can see, and therefore supervise, your child at all times.

7. The toilet’s stopped up!

Accompany your child whenever he or she needs to use the bathroom in order to ensure that everything is used properly and everything is left tidy and clean.

8. I’m going to be sick!

Take your child seriously when he or she complains about feeling sick. Tend to the illness and leave immediately if your child does not get better.

9. How much longer do we have to stay?

Before attending the event, let your child know how long you will be staying. Then stick to the amount of time that has been allotted unless both of you agree to shorten or extend your stay.

10. Can we go now?

When it is time to leave the event and everyone is ready to go, leave right away instead of prolonging your communications or farewells.

Top Ten Things Kids Say That Ruin a Holiday Gift

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:58:24 -0500

(Especially when spoken in a whiny voice)

I already have this.
I had one of these before and it didn’t work.
I don’t like this.
How much did this cost?
But I wanted (something else).
I want what (someone else) got.
This is for babies.
My present is better than yours.
Can we take this back and get something else?
Is this all I get?

How to Help Your Child Say the Right Thing So He or She Won’t Ruin a Gift
(or stop getting them in the future)

Remind your child that a gift is free to him or her. Therefore it should be appreciated no matter what it is. That said, if a gift is a duplicate or if it is unwanted, encourage your child to recycle it by trading it or re-gifting it.
Explain to your child that negative comments about any gift is offensive and can result in the gift giver not wanting to give future gifts.
Explain to your child what people mean when they say, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Encourage your child to give a kind, yet honest response to any undesirable gift he or she receives by saying, “Thank you for the gift. It was so kind of you to give it to me.” (This response puts the focus on the kind gesture rather than the unwanted gift.)
It is important to encourage your child to be thankful for whatever he or she receives, and not want or ask for more.
Explain to your child that comparing what he or she receives with what someone else receives is a pointless exercise that can only lead to disappointment.
Explain to your child that it is inappropriate to ask a person how much a gift costs.
Explain to your child why “It is better to give rather than receive.”
Encourage your child to give gifts so that he or she can experience first hand the joy of giving as well as the disappointment one feels when a gift is not well received or appreciated.
Help your child develop a healthy perspective regarding gift-giving by providing experiences in which he or she can give to people who are less fortunate.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: The Mommy Bloggers Brunch

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0500

When one attends as many conventions as I’ve attended during the last 30 years, they all start to blend together into one huge blur. But such was not the case with the Child’s Play Communications’ 2nd Annual Bloggers Brunch put together by a group of premier mommy bloggers.

The event began with a panel of six mommy bloggers who shared the basics of what they do and what they don’t do. All six women were intelligent and savvy on so many levels—first as businesswomen, but more important, as mommies. In fact, it was their role as mothers that catapulted them into blogging and a burgeoning industry that impacts the lives of moms all over the world.

I learned a great deal during the panel discussion (i.e. the difference between a journalist and a blogger—which is the fact that a journalist is required to be objective while a blogger is expected to write from personal opinion and experience). However, the part of the convention that I liked best was the time after the panel discussion during which I was able to interact one on one with the mommy bloggers. The subjects of the blog sites ran the gamut from the benefits of nursing for a longer rather than shorter period of time to raising children in an Orthodox Jewish family.

Interestingly enough, no matter how narrowly defined the focus of an individual site, there always seemed to be an audience that was hungry for the information that it provided. And this is why I came away with a whole new appreciation for the media age.

There was a time when I went kicking and screaming into the media age, but quite frankly, the mommy bloggers brunch reminded me why I finally got on board. Since, for a variety of reasons, moms no longer talk over the back fence, what better way is for them to communicate with each other than through the Internet?

This is why I want to say to mommy bloggers everywhere, “You go, girl!” Smile.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: A Perfect Family Outing

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

As we were pulling away from the Disneyland Hotel, my older granddaughter uttered something that every parent or grandparent hopes to hear immediately following a family adventure. “Everything was absolutely perfect,” she sighed wistfully. “I had so much fun.”

Several things prompted her remark.

For starters, Disneyland is a pretty magical place. However, as evidenced by the myriad of crying children throughout the park, it can easily become a nightmare if it is not experienced properly.

I purposely chose to take my granddaughters to the park during a down time. That meant that the crowds were thinner and the lines were much shorter than they usually are. We also took advantage of the Fast Pass program as often as we could. The Fast Passes that we collected assigned times for us to return to high-volume rides where we were allowed to bypass the longer lines.

It helped that we had a four-day pass that allowed us to experience the park in small, manageable doses. It also helped that we were in an adjoining hotel that allowed us quick access to the park. When the girls grew tired of lines and rides, we would return to the hotel for a swim and snack break. This made it possible to alternate between the hotel and park from early morning to late at night.

Another successful strategy included allowing the girls to plan each day. After the plan was established, all of us agreed to stick to it unless the two girls could agree on any suggested modification. Encouraging them to work their strategy in their own way and at their own pace put them in control and also made them responsible for working together to make everything turn out okay.

There was something else that worked well. I began the four days with my promise that each of the girls would be able to purchase a souvenir of their choice on our last day in the park. I addressed every “gimme” by writing down each requested item and noting where it could be found. Then I encouraged the girls to review the list of items before making their final purchases.

In the end, my older granddaughter purchased a silver charm bracelet, my younger granddaughter purchased a special Build-A-Bear, and both girls could not have been more pleased with their choices.

Last but not least, I had no hidden agenda and I made certain that there would be no interruptions of any kind. Therefore, the girls were the complete focus of my attention. This is one of the most important considerations when it comes to successful family experiences. Parents with their ears glued to their cell phones don’t make very enjoyable or engaging companions.

The girls and I witnessed a good example of this after passing through the Disneyland turnstile. A small family was following close behind when we overheard the father announce, “I want everyone to see that I am turning off my cell phone!” At that point, the littlest family member squealed with delight while the two older siblings high-fived each other.

The girls and I looked at each other knowingly, and I whispered to them, “Now that’s the way to start a perfect family outing at Disneyland!”

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Kids and Scary Theme Park Rides

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

An invitation to my nephew’s wedding in Southern California presented a perfect opportunity to fulfill my promise to take my granddaughters to Disneyland. Some accumulated coupons and a red-hot, off-season package deal allowed us to stay for full four nights and days at the hotel and theme park.

We were happily ensconced in our methodical efforts to ride all of the rides we had circled on the Disneyland map when we encountered a very unhappy guest in the line for the Alice in Wonderland ride. In between plaintive sobs, a little girl pleaded with her parents, “Please don’t make me go! I’m scared. Just take me to the car and I’ll stay there without crying. I promise…”

Unfortunately the parents seemed to be impervious to the little girl’s pleas, and everyone waiting in line was visibly uncomfortable with what seemed to be the parents’ indifference to their daughter.

One particularly distraught stranger spoke up. “If she does not want to go on the ride, why make her?”

The mother shot back a vitriolic response. “We just dropped $150 bucks to ride these rides and she’s going on them whether she likes it or not!”

“She’ll be okay once she gets on the ride,” the father assured the stranger. “She’s just a little upset because she just went on the Snow White ride and she thought it was scary.”

Hello! I thought to myself. The key word here is “scary.” And what part of that word sounds like fun?

This is not the first time I have watched misguided parents force their children to do “fun activities” that were actually terrifying and not any fun at all. The rationale that accompanies such behavior usually goes something like this: “Because the child has never done this activity before, he or she does not know that it is fun. Therefore I am going to force the child to do the activity so that he or she can learn that it is fun, and as a result have a good time.”

What this rationale does not take into consideration is the normal developmental stages that a child goes through. For example, adults know that the wicked witch on the Snow White ride is not real and therefore cannot hurt them. But the same is not true for a child entrenched in the Intuitive Stage of development, where fictional characters are as real as nonfictional characters. If adults would stop and think how frightening a real-life wicked witch could be, they might reconsider forcing a very young child to experience one.

There’s something else at stake when parents force their children to do things before the children are ready to do them: We are asking children to go against their instincts. Fear is one of the main things that helps keep kids safe because it is fear that prompts kids to avoid danger.

When we force a child to override his or her fear, and when we reward the child for doing so, we inadvertently encourage that child to ignore the fear—and that could lead to disastrous results. Healthy fear is something that needs to be nurtured, not stifled.

Meanwhile, the best person to determine what is actually fun for a child is the child. And what might be fun for one child might not necessarily be fun for anyone else.

The key is to be completely honest about the purpose of an activity, event, or outing. If it is for a child to have fun, everything should be completely child-centered and, as much as possible, the child should be able to choose what happens. On the other hand, if the purpose is to have the child share enjoyable experiences with others, there might need to be a compromise in the choice of activities. This is where taking turns choosing a fun activity is appropriate.

I recall that two years ago, my six-year-old granddaughter was fearful about many of the rides at Disneyland. As a result, one adult took her to less threatening attractions while the other adult took her older sister on the more sophisticated rides.

This year, Sekai was chomping at the bit to go on all the rides (including all of the high speed rollercoaster rides) with her older sister and me. No fears, no tears, just an enormous amount of fun that will reside with my granddaughter’s great memories for a long time to come.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: The Trouble with Rap Music

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

I should have suspected that something was up when the doors opened on a subway train that I was boarding and everyone except eight rowdy teens disembarked and scrambled into the neighboring car. But by the time I figured it out, the train was ready to leave the station. So I hopped onboard and took the first seat that I came to.

When the train started, rap music began to blast from a boom box and the eight teens started rapping at the top of their lungs.

Before that moment I had always dismissed criticism of rap to the proverbial generation gap. But that’s before I had an opportunity to actually listen to a rap song all the way through.

As I expected, the language was obscene by average standards. But much worse was the anger and hatred that was spewing forth from boom box as well as the eight teens. Any hope that the music would uplift and inspire was destroyed by the degrading lyrics that were seeping from every pore of each teen’s body.

I couldn’t help wonder, “What chance do these kids have of developing the positive attitudes that are imperative for building self-esteem and personal success when such negative thoughts are being drilled into their brains?”

And that’s when I decided to do something that I seldom do. I decided to judge another person’s creative work and deem it “bad for kids.”

That’s not to say that all rap music is bad because I am certain that some of it is acceptable, and maybe even positive.

But I can say without equivocation that rap music is something that parents need to screen before allowing their children to become engaged with it. This recommendation is based on the “garbage in, garbage out” theory in which negative thoughts and energy only beget negative beliefs and actions.

As I listened to those teens rapping all of those toxic lyrics, I wished that whoever wrote them could have somehow taken the amazing opportunity that he or she had been given to speak to young people and had used that opportunity for good. How wonderful to have heard those teens rapping messages that would have uplifted and inspired them instead of making them angry and hostile.

I realize that I was wishing for a lot. But then again, it was because I sincerely believe that there is no less at stake than the mental and psychological health and welfare of an entire generation of young people.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: The Ups and Downs of Grandparenting

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

I love grandparenting. I really do. But just like everything else, it has its drawbacks.

Ask most grandparents and they’ll tell you that one of the best parts about grand-parenting is the fact that that you can spoil your grandchildren to death, then send them home where their parents have to do all of the hard stuff.

While that might be true, I always say, “Control is proportionate to responsibility,” which means that the more responsibility one assumes, the more control he or she will have. This suggests that not having the bottom line responsibility for a grandchild’s life is a situation that has an upside and downside.

Although I believe that there is a lot of value in allowing children to suffer the consequences of their own mistakes (because mistakes are one of the best ways for a person to learn and grow), I am currently feeling a bit of resistance to the idea of standing by and letting the chips fall where they may when my children, as the parents of my grandchildren, make mistakes.

What if the mistakes that my children make have a negative impact on my grandchildren? How fair is it for my grandchildren to suffer the consequences of their parents’ mistakes? And is it not acceptable, maybe even mandatory, for me to intervene and mitigate the consequences of the parents’ mistakes (only insofar as they impact my grandchildren) when I might be able to do so?

Answering these questions has been one of the greatest struggles that I have faced as a grandparent. And I go back and forth with the struggle on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, when my granddaughters recently called me from the other side of the world, and when I discovered the reasons for their racking sobs, I immediately purchased an airline ticket that would allow me to fly to their rescue. (In fact, I’m writing this blog from the seat of an airplane!) So I guess that says a bit about where I stand with this entire issue at this point in the game.

But just as it was with parenting, this is a game that I am playing blindfolded. So who knows where I’ll be in a month or a year.

I’ll keep you posted.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: The Hamster Trauma

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

We experienced quite a trauma involving Kaytee Button last week.

Kaytee is the Teddy Bear Hamster that I strongly encouraged my granddaughter not to get right before she left for a long summer vacation. I argued that it would be far more reasonable for her to wait until she returned home so that she would not be required to find someone to care for the animal while she was gone. I even went so far as to assert that I was unwilling to take on the responsibility of a hamster for three months—just in case she was counting on me to do so—which, as it turns out, she was.

But the heart wants what it wants, and once my granddaughter earned enough money to purchase the hamster and all of the trappings, she made a beeline to the pet store.

All went well until two days before my granddaughter was to leave New York. As hard as she tried, she was unable to find anyone to care for Kaytee Button during the entire summer. So—you guessed it—the responsibility defaulted to me. Sigh.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love animals. And who could not love a Teddy Bear Hamster—especially one as cute as Kaytee Button? It’s just that I didn’t need an additional responsibility at this time in my life.

That said, all was going well until my daughter swept into my apartment with a friend who had two nieces in tow. The girls were about 10 and 11. I was in the middle of cleaning my kitchen and was unaware of the two girls finding their way to the hamster cage in my bedroom. So before I knew what was happening, one girl had grabbed the hamster out of the cage while the other insisted that she be given a turn to hold the hamster too. Somehow during the back and forth, the hamster was dropped and in a primeval attempt at self-preservation, Kaytee fled to the kitchen where she found sanctuary behind the appliances.

When it became obvious that retrieving the hamster was going to become a complicated—even daunting—endeavor, my guests fled the house.

I got my super to help me move all of the appliances away from the wall—to no avail. The hamster could not be found, and there was not a single clue as to where she might have gone.

That night, I moved the living room recliner to the walkway leading into the kitchen and spent the night anxiously hoping that Kaytee would reappear. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

To say that I was devastated is an understatement. Even so, I had a day of back-to-back meetings that couldn’t be rescheduled, so I left the apartment in a total state of agitation.

When I returned, my assistant announced that throughout the day she had heard Kaytee scratching from inside the stove!

We pulled the stove away from the wall, and attempts were made to lure the hamster out with peanut butter and all kinds of other bait. But nothing worked. That’s when we realized that Kaytee was trapped in the stove and couldn’t get out.

The next step involved my assistant, her husband and me completely dismantling the stove. Of course this meant that I had to have the stove reassembled by a professional. (One simply can’t imagine how many hundreds of screws and parts go into making up a stove!)

Thankfully after a day and a half of pure trauma, Kaytee Button was safely back in her cage—but not without complications. The stress from all of the shaking and banging that it took to dismantle the stove resulted in Kaytee contracting Wet Tail, a common hamster malady that can be fatal if not treated properly.

So, in addition to paying to have my stove put back together, there was an expensive vet bill and medications to pay for as well.

So what’s the moral of this little tale? I can think of a lot of them. But the most important one is to help kids realize that an animal is a major commitment, one that must be thoroughly thought though before getting one as a pet. It is imperative that a pet owner has a backup pet-care plan in place before getting a pet. And hopefully that plan will not include an assumption like “No worries. Grandma can always take care of the hamster, because how hard can it be?”

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Teaching Children About the Birds and the Bees

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0400

Okay. It’s a fair question.

“How do you teach children about sex without causing them to “become sexual” too early?” someone asked after reading my last blog.

First of all, parents need to understand and accept the fact that human sexuality is a part of human life and human beings are born with sexual attributes and natures. So, “becoming sexual” begins in the womb.

Next, parents need to treat every part of their child’s body equally. This means that from the beginning, they need to call every body part by its actual name. Unfortunately, when one nicknames private parts and does not do the same thing with other body parts, one can subconsciously convey the thought that private parts might be different from other body parts in a negative way.

Think about it. Why would one call an arm an “arm” while calling a penis a “wee wee” unless there were something strange or unacceptable about the word “penis?”

In addition to calling body parts by their real names, as soon as a child can understand, parents need to explain to their children what the purpose is of every body part and how it works. This can happen quite early in life. And the earlier it happens, the better.

When my children were toddlers, I put kids books about human sexuality on the bookshelf with all of the other kids books about various subjects. Then whenever the children chose the human sexuality books at bedtime, we went through them just as we would any other book.

There was always a great deal of interest when a new book about human sexuality was introduced. However, interest would begin to wane once my son or daughter understood the contents of the book. It was like, “Okay, okay we got that. Now let’s move on to something else.”

Early sex education came in handy when it came time to discuss the potential dangers that surround children. Since sexual abusers can often be family members, children need to know at an early age how to respond to inappropriate advances and behavior.

Staving off sexual abuse begins with (1) an understanding and respect for one’s body, and (2) an understanding that other people do not have the right to touch a person’s body in ways that are uncomfortable for the person.

Protecting children from sexual abuse also begins with continued open and honest communications between parents and children. This is something that needs to be fostered from the very beginning of a child’s life.

Victorian mores might have served a purpose when they were first invented, but they are irrelevant to the twenty-first century and need to be replaced with a healthy love and appreciation for every aspect of human sexuality.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Overreacting to Matters Involving Human Sexuality

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

Talk about overreacting!

I’m sure that by now most people have heard about the plight of the Demaree family who took a memory stick containing 144 family photos to Wal-Mart to get them developed. Included in the huge batch of photos were 11 shots taken of the Demaree children during bathtime.

I have a hunch what these photos were like, because similar photos are strewn throughout my kids’ photo albums. And according to the parents that I have been talking to, they have the same kind of photos in their family albums. In fact, many of us recall the proverbial professional photos of yesteryear when tots were photographed naked on bearskin rugs.

In the context of 144 photos—most of which were of the family’s vacation—it’s difficult for me to believe that there were not some important clues regarding whether or not AJ and Lisa Demaree were exploiting their children for pornographic purposes.

I can’t emphasize enough how thankful I am that the powers that be are taking the matter of juvenile pornography seriously. It truly is a huge problem that needs to be addressed aggressively and continuously. However, this should never give license to people with authority checking their common sense at the door when evaluating which situations to pursue.

The danger of overreacting to situations such as the one in which the Demarees took photos of their children in and around bathtime goes beyond the trauma that the entire family sustained. It threatens all of the progress we have made toward helping kids develop positive body images and attitudes about their sexuality.

This whole episode harkened back to my strict childhood in which I was instructed to never look at my private parts, let alone touch them. Great pains were taken to show me how to use a washcloth and never my hand when “washing down below.” And greater pains were taken to insure that I was supervised at all times so that something so “unacceptable” would never happen.

Anyone who has endured this kind of negative indoctrination knows how damaging such a Victorian introduction to human sexuality can have on a young child. In the end, it was extremely counterproductive—especially given the expectation that young women should be able to simply switch on their sexuality when it became necessary to please their husbands.

The human body is a beautiful thing and anything that might cause a child to think differently is simply unacceptable. Hopefully the threat of having one’s children removed from one’s home for a month, losing one’s job for a year, and being placed on the sexual offenders registry for taking bathtime photos was a horrendous fluke and not a trend.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Painful Procedures and Resolving Problems

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

A few days ago I went in for my annual mammogram. For anyone who has not had this procedure, it would be difficult to understand how painful it can be. However this wasn’t true for the seven women who shared the waiting room with me.

Everyone was engrossed in the soap opera playing out on the TV monitor when a piercing scream emanated from behind the closed door. All of a sudden, the TV drama wasn’t half as engrossing as whatever was going on in the other room. Some of the women shot each other knowing looks, while others shifted nervously in their chairs.

Five turns later my name was called and I solemnly shuffled toward the nurse who was beckoning me into the inner sanctum. When I arrived, I was instructed to disrobe and put on a hospital gown that opened in the front.

The technician led me to the huge machine that was about to squeeze the living daylights out of one of the tenderest parts of my anatomy. And that’s when I saw the sign. It would have been quite impossible to miss it as it was positioned at eye level directly in front of the machine.

The sign read:

Good Morning.
This is God.
I will be handling all of your problems today.
I won’t need your help.
So relax and have a good day!

I can assure you that nothing would have pleased me more than God appearing in the room at that very moment and standing in for me during my mammogram. But no such luck.

Besides, what good would it have done for God to stand in for me? God didn’t need a mammogram. I did.

I started to think more about the sign.

Why in the world would God get involved in everyone’s problems? Isn’t running the universe enough to keep him or her busy?

I made it through the procedure and started home. I was still thinking about the sign.

When I got home I decided to write my own sign.

Good Morning.
This is God.
Most likely you are going to face some problems today.
But don’t worry. You have within yourself everything you need to resolve any problem that you encounter.
And the good news is this—with every problem you resolve you are going to grow and become a better person.
So relax and have a good day!

In two weeks I’m supposed to return to get the results of my mammogram. When I go back, I’m thinking about bringing my sign with me.

Then again—I just might not. After all, what woman is going to be able to focus on a sign while getting a mammogram?

Smile.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Giving Kids Honest Accurate Information About Death

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

Yesterday I did a book signing at the Ronald McDonald House in New York. It’s a wonderful place, and I had a wonderful time.

As a cancer survivor, I was reminded of an experience I had many years ago, immediately following the final surgery that has allowed me to be cancer-free for over 35 years. Part of my recovery program included doing volunteer work at the City of Hope in Southern California.

Naturally, due to my interest in children, I was assigned to the pediatric ward. That’s where I met an amazing doctor who taught me everything I needed to know about death and dying.

It was my observation of a therapy session that the doctor had with a terminally ill child that changed my life forever. I recall the child asking the doctor, “Am I going to die?”

The doctor responded by saying, “Yes. And so am I. So is your mother. So is your father. And so is Joy. Everyone is going to die. Death is a part of life.”

Next the child asked, “When am I going to die?”

Looking straight into the child’s eyes, the doctor said, “I don’t know, and neither does anyone else. That is one of the great mysteries of life. No one knows exactly when someone is going to die. And if anyone tells you they know when you are going to die, they are lying.”

That conversation motivated me to write my book titled, Good Answers to Tough Questions About Death, and to this day the book continues to evoke positive responses from both parents and children.

Taking my cue from the doctor at the City of Hope, I tried to be as honest and accurate as I could with the information that I provided in the book. In the end, that’s the way kids like it. Most of them know when someone is telling them things just to make them feel better, and in the long run, they don’t like it. That’s because kids are just like everyone else. They like to know the truth so they can decide for themselves what they can and cannot do about it.

While it’s true that death and terminal illness are tough subjects, they are not too tough for a child to handle, especially when the child is surrounded by honesty and most of all, love.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Sophisticated Behavior and Genuine Sophistication

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

I’ve always liked Walter Cronkite. That’s why I was one of the first people in line to purchase his autobiography shortly after he passed away.

It’s a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in reading about politics from an evenhanded perspective. There was just one quote that made me wince—even though I am certain that it was not intended to be controversial. In fact, it was almost a throwaway line.

The sentence was intended to set up some astute observations about President Nixon. It read, “Nixon’s social awkwardness, possibly induced by his impoverished childhood, was in sharp contrast to the sophistication of the Kennedys.”

I’ve only lived on the east coast for a few years. However, that has been long enough to encounter the “east coast snobbiness” to which many of my west coast colleagues refer. All too often people of means in this part of the world associate a lack of material means with a lack of breeding and social skills. At the same time they confuse material wealth with sophistication.

I’ve always linked sophistication with knowledge and enlightenment. Consequently the material assets that a person does or does not possess are inconsequential as to whether or not he or she is sophisticated. The dictionary seems to agree with me via its use of words like “knowledgeable” and “advanced” to help define the word.

I’ve met a lot of sophisticated people while living in New York—people who have worked to become educated and enlightened, people who apply everything they’ve learned in wise, meaningful ways. Many of these people have come from “impoverished childhoods.”

The seventy-eight-year-old woman who lives on the third floor of my building is such a person. She was born and raised in our area of Brooklyn years before it became gentrified. And she taught at one of our local schools for many years.

Every time I encounter this woman in the laundry room or at the mailboxes, she always has something profound to say. In fact, after each encounter I usually remark to my children, “I want to be exactly like Lorraine when I grow up.”

In Lorraine’s wildest dreams she would never have hobnobbed with the likes of the sophisticated Kennedys, and as far as I am concerned, that was their loss, not hers.

I’ll be so glad when the human race becomes enlightened enough to distinguish the difference between sophisticated social behavior and true sophistication. I’ll also be glad when all people realize that every childhood, whether impoverished or not, has the potential to produce positive or negative results—depending on how the person who has lived it utilizes it.

Now that would be sophisticated indeed.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Things Not Staying the Same

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

My sister is a librarian and has impeccable taste when it comes to evaluating anything with a storyline. So while I was laid up with recent foot surgery, I decided to follow through with her recommendation that I watch the TV show Mad Men. For an entire weekend, I hunkered down on my living room couch and powered through back-to-back episodes from rented DVDs.

Having been a young adult during the era that provides the backdrop for the Mad Men series, I was impressed with the show’s authenticity. The accuracy of the costumes and sets alone are enough to transport one back to the 1960s—a time of heavy smoking, hard drinking, and the endless pursuit of “the good life.”

In fact, the smoking, drinking and partying that is non-stop throughout every episode leads one to wonder how anyone survived that decade. The truth is, people not only survived, they became better because of it.

For example, when one compares the current smoking laws to the fact that people in the 1960s were allowed to smoke nonstop in all public places including airplanes, one can begin to appreciate the never-ending struggle in which humans engage for the purpose of changing and becoming a more enlightened species.

Nothing illustrated this phenomenon better than a Mad Men episode during which the principal family went on a picnic. When the outing was over, the family left its trash strewn all over the place. Thankfully, this would be completely frowned upon today, and the environment is better off because of it.

So, thanks to watching Mad Men, the next time I am tempted to lament, “Things just aren’t what they used to be,” I’m going to remember that things not remaining the same is more often than not something to celebrate rather than something to regret.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: An Open Letter to My Son

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

Recently the success of a camp that my son conducted in Hawaii prompted him to decide that he was going to remain in Hawaii with his family for several months. The decision came from out of nowhere and had a serious impact on prior commitments that my son had made before moving to Hawaii. One commitment involves my granddaughters being in a family wedding that has been in the making for well over a year. In spite of the fact that thousands of dollars have been spent on airfares, lodging, clothing, and other things related to the wedding, my son was considering whether or not it was absolutely necessary to follow through with his commitment regarding the wedding.

In addition to his belief (shared by many guys) that “weddings are stupid and are a complete waste of time and money,” my son’s wavering was prompted by the enormous financial investment that automatically came with the Hawaii decision. For example, coming to the wedding from Hawaii means that the already-paid-for round-trip tickets from New York to San Diego are worthless and will need to be replaced with round-trip tickets from Hawaii to San Diego.

Even so, I was stunned and upset by what seemed to me to be a self-centered approach to the situation, and I reacted by launching into an uncensored tirade. Of course, I realized immediately the inappropriate nature of my approach and I apologized.

Later, I made a second attempt to express some of my thoughts and feelings in a more sane and rational way. Here is the email that was a result of that effort:

Dear Chris,

Were it not for the amazing progress that you have been making in your continued desire to grow and become a better person, I would not waste a minute writing this email to you. But I honestly believe that, at this point in your life, you are open to positive information that comes to you from a place of genuine love. So here goes.

An early philosopher once postulated that a truly enlightened society would never happen until every person hurts as much as any person who is in pain.

As simple as this concept is regarding love and empathy, it seems to be the hardest concept to integrate into one’s daily life. For years, I’ve tried to figure out why this is true, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the egocentricity that is necessary for a person’s survival and growth is so extremely powerful, it often overrides anything that might compromise it. This includes the altruistic desire to consider the needs of others and/or the desire to put others first.

Unless the ego can figure out a way to benefit from these altruistic desires, it often resists them and the end result is self-centeredness (aka “selfishness”). Because selfishness is socially unacceptable and might lead to being socially ostracized, the ego figures out myriad ways to mask it, and this is when all of the counterproductive social mind games begin.

While selfishness often produces short-term pleasures, it seldom produces long-term positive results. Indeed, selfishness can turn on a person and eventually destroy him or her. This is a historical reality that has happened over and over again.

Selflessness—the opposite of selfishness—often works in the reverse. When one puts others first, the short-term results might be difficult, but the long-term results are far more rewarding. This is what motivates me on a daily basis to strive to serve others.

It is not enough that as a creative person, my creations serve others. There is the matter of my primary responsibilities—which are first to my family, and then to my friends and co-workers. These people in my immediate sphere of influence are in my life for a specific purpose. And by contributing to their lives, I am fulfilling that purpose.

The things that the people in my life might think are important might not be important to me. And the things these people need from me might not be the things I think they need. But in the end, their decisions about what is important to them and what they need or want is theirs to make—not mine.

On a daily basis, life graciously presents many opportunities to become a better person and live a more meaningful life by putting others first. These opportunities are manifested in part in the requests peoples make. They are also manifested via observations of services that might be needed. When one does not follow through with these requests or observations, the person sells himself or herself short. The same is true of making promises that, for whatever reason, one does not keep.

Because you are my son, you are at the top of the list of names that I review every night before I go to bed. Regarding the people on this list, I always ask myself, “Am I doing all I can to make (the person’s) life better?” And when my answer is, “yes,” no matter what difficulties I am facing at the time, I am enveloped by a sense of peace and joy.

The incredible satisfaction and sense of fulfillment that I experience in those moments before I fall asleep is what I want for you. I long for you to attain that amazing state of being far more than I long for your professional or financial success. This is because I have attained both professional and financial success and, in the end, they have not fed my soul as completely as any successful effort to be of service to others.

Meanwhile, while you have made a lot of huge decisions in the past few weeks, you have many more to make. The current decisions that you are facing are going to be your most difficult decisions by far. This is because your plan to move to Hawaii did not seem to take into consideration what was best for anyone beyond your daughters and you. And while doing what is best for your family is an important achievement, it does not negate your commitments and other obligations to the other people within your immediate sphere of influence.

How you handle the upcoming decisions is going to be crucial to your sincere efforts to maintain your credibility and your reputation as a man whose word is his bond. That said, I have no doubt that you can do it. And to that end, I am rooting for you, my one and only son. In addition I am making myself available to help and support your decisions in any way possible.

Why? Because just as you have begun to grow into the amazing lyrics that you have been creating for decades, you are growing into the man I fondly call, “The Son in Whom I am Well Pleased.” And this is a good thing indeed.

Rest assured that I am here to help as you put together your strategies for the coming months. In fact, I welcome contributing to making the strategies work for everyone’s benefit. The sooner we get started, the better.

Love and hugs!

Mom

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Using Emergency Rooms for General Healthcare

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

I absolutely cringed when I heard a spokesperson for the September 12th healthcare demonstration in Washington D.C. answer a question from a CNN news commentator. The commentator asked, “I realize that you are pleased with the healthcare that you are able to purchase for yourself, but what do you say to the millions of people who cannot afford healthcare?”

The spokesperson answered, “The government already takes care of people who don’t have healthcare. The program is called, “Emergency Rooms.” When these people get sick they can get the care they need for free by going to the emergency room in their local hospital.

Immediately, I flashed back on my recent visit to the emergency room in my local hospital when I dislocated my knee and fell down two flights of subway stairs. Although the serious swelling and enormous lump on the side of my knee (not to mention my excruciating pain) made the injury an obvious one, I still had to wait eight hours in an over-crowed waiting room to see a doctor, and another eight hours to begin the testing that would determine exactly what was wrong with my knee and what needed to be done.

I was told that the jam-packed emergency room was due to servicing the people who could not afford healthcare. Many of them had come to the hospital for treatment of minor health issues that they could not obtain anywhere else.

When I finally received the bill for my visit to the emergency room I experienced a second shock. Suffice it to say that my emergency room care was anything but free. And when I inquired about the astronomical sum of the questionable medical care that I had received, I was told, “The money needed to pay for the people getting free emergency room services has to come from somewhere.”

I was disappointed when the CNN interview didn’t allow enough time for the commentator to bring up these challenges to the spokesperson’s hypothesis about emergency rooms. But I was even more disappointed when no one raised the question as to what might be the “government’s plan” for people who have catastrophic illnesses and no healthcare to pay for the necessary treatment beyond emergency care.

Throughout the heated debate about healthcare, there seems to be a lot of misinformation flying around. This makes me wish that the politicians would publically address questions about the healthcare plan on an actual point-by-point basis. This would mean that when some irrational conclusion is put forth, (like the one stating that the current healthcare plan advocates governmental control over the right-to-die decision), someone would say something like, “Read to me the section in the proposed plan that gives the government the right to determine when a person is going to die.”

I can’t help but think that this might help eliminate the bipartisan scare tactics that are being generated for political reasons and carelessly foisted on the American public. Sometimes, politics-as-usual is inappropriate, and more important, ineffective. I believe that such is the case with the current efforts to insure that every American has access to essential medical care.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Dealing With a Crying Toddler on a Plane

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

In my last blog, I told you about Dr. Harvey Karp’s highly effective, five-step approach to calming a crying infant. A mother of a toddler who read that blog asked me, “That approach might work with an infant, but what if you are cooped up in a plane with a hysterical toddler?”

While Dr. Karp could most likely address that question, I have a bit of advice that might work as well. It begins with the realization that babies and toddlers can understand a vocabulary six years beyond what they can actually speak. This means that they can understand a lot of what you need or want to communicate to them. This is especially true if what you want to communicate relates directly to them.

I know it can be difficult, but it is imperative that parents stay at least one step ahead of their children. By this I mean that they need to consider everything that might go wrong in a particular situation and either avoid the situation altogether or try to address the inherent problems ahead of time.

Addressing the problems inherent in a long plane flight that involves toddlers includes choosing flights that synchronize with the child’s sleep schedule or making certain that there are enough activities available to entertain the child if he or she is going to be awake most of the time. However, in the event you encounter an overly tired child who has worked himself or herself into a crying frenzy, other measures need to be taken.

If there is a possibility that your child will be tired during a plane flight and will need to sleep, you need to talk to him or her ahead of time, and here’s what you need to say:

Most of the time when children get tired, they fall asleep. But sometimes they get so tired they can’t fall asleep. When this happens they often get frustrated and begin to cry or throw tantrums. Unfortunately, the more they cry or throw tantrums the more difficult it is for them to fall asleep. And when this happens, they need help.

Mommies and daddies who love their children often help by holding their children tightly, softly rocking them, and talking gently into their children’s ears. Let me show you what I mean.

At this point, do the following:

1.    Place your child on your lap.

2.    Get him or her in a comfortable sleeping position.

3.    Wrap both arms around your child and hold him or her firmly in place.

4.    Gently rock your child.

5.    Speak softly into your child’s ear by saying things like, “I love you. Your body is exhausted and needs to sleep. I am going to help you relax and get to sleep.”

6.    Explain that when you are doing these steps “for real,” you will need to continue doing this until your child calms down or falls asleep.

After your demonstration, tell your child the following:

We are going on a very long plane ride. And during the ride, you might need to fall asleep. If you start fussing or crying a lot, I will know that you need to rest and, because I love you, I will do my best to help you rest by doing what I just showed you. In addition, I will keep holding you tightly until you fall asleep or calm down. Please try to remember that I am doing this because I love you and care about you.

When children know ahead of time what might take place, many positive things can happen. For example, if they don’t like the consequences that a certain behavior can bring on, they might avoid the behavior. Or if they misbehave they are more likely to cooperate with the consequences of the misbehavior because they knew about them ahead of time.

All that said the most effective part of the plan mentioned above is the fact that instead of it being a punitive act, following the six steps put forth above can be a loving act. And in the final analysis, the presence of genuine love in any parent/child encounter makes all of the difference in the world.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: The Challenge of Crying Babies?

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

Last weekend, I flew from New York to San Francisco for my nephew’s wedding. It was a long flight and the plane was loaded to the gills.

A young family of four was seated across the aisle from where I was sitting. The oldest child was a toddler, and the youngest child was an infant.

The moment the plane lifted off, the infant began to cry and didn’t stop until the mother fled the plane with the baby after landing in San Francisco. On several occasions I offered to assist with the infant, but understandably, the wary parents politely declined my offer.

I think I speak for everyone on the plane when I say that that flight was one of the most miserable cross-country flights that any one of us has encountered. So I can only imagine where it will end up on the parents’ list of “Most Horrific Flights Ever.”

Many people do not realize that there is a point at which extremely exhausted children become almost too tired to fall asleep. When this point is reached, a child can become almost hysterical. In this agitated state, wild erratic wailing and flailing often ensues, and this behavior only increases the child’s inability to calm down or fall asleep.

As I exited the plane, I found the mother sobbing and the father attempting to comfort his two distraught children. I walked over to the mother and put my arm around her.

“At one time or another, almost everyone in that plane has been forced to contend with a child who is crying in public,” I told her. “Most of us knew what you were going through and sincerely empathized with you. So, you need not feel embarrassed or bad about what happened. You also need to take heart because, as children get older, traveling with them becomes easier. It really does.”

While waiting to retrieve my luggage, another young mother who had watched my interactions with the parents on the plane asked, “What would you have done to get that baby to stop crying?”

Fortunately, I had just come across an amazing book written by Dr. Harvy Karp called The Happiest Baby on the Block, and I was able to tell her about it.

I discovered the book when I was preparing to do an interview with Ann Pleshette Murphy on ABC. She had taped an interview with Dr. Karp and had posted it on her website.

Basically, Dr. Karp recommends a five-step process for quieting crying babies. It includes:

Step 1 – Swaddle the child.

Step 2 – Turn the child on his or her side or stomach.

Step 3 – Make a soft shushing sound in the child’s ear.

Step 4 – Gently swing or jiggle the child. (Do not shake the child.)

Step 5 – Give the child a pacifier to suck on.

It all makes so much sense, one wonders why parents don’t automatically know these things. But the truth is, they don’t. And that’s where all of us who have learned these things the hard way come in. It’s up to us to reach out and help parents in distress rather than raising our eyebrows and condemning them. I can remember kind people reaching out to me when I was struggling with my young children, and 39 years later, I am still grateful.

Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: President Obama’s Speech to Young People

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0400

There were a lot of things to appreciate about President Obama’s speech this week to schoolchildren. But as I watched it on TV, one particular section of the speech jumped out at me. It went something like this: You can’t let your failures define you. Instead, you need to let them teach you things that you need to learn.

The President reinforced his statement with several stories of very successful people, himself included, who encountered many failures along the road to success.

Obama elaborated on his own story by reminding the students of his “humble beginnings.” He talked openly about his father abandoning him at an early age. He told about his single mother being forced to work long hours in order to support her two children. And he told how these difficult circumstances prompted him to do things during his early years that he should not have done.

Nothing Obama could have said would have built a better bridge from the “now” to the “possible” for the young children to whom he spoke. As the TV cameras panned the audience, it became obvious that many of the students were struggling with similar situations and were understandably overwhelmed with having to figure out how to get from here to there.

Indeed, in all of the many years that I have dealt with young people, I have discovered that one of the biggest frustrations they face is figuring out a way to span the huge gap between their current situations and that of their parents. They have grown used to living with the benefits of their parents’ success and they don’t think that they can live without the benefits. Consequently they wonder and worry about how they will ever be able to maintain lifestyles comparable to the ones provided by their parents.

Obama’s message to the students, “Stay in school and try your hardest,” was an attainable first step—which is exactly what every kid needs. In fact, I almost cheered out loud when Obama declared, “There is no excuse for not trying.”

The President did a good thing when he addressed school children in the way that he did—not just for them, but for all of the adults who surround children as well. This is because we adults were reminded that the best place from which to approach a young person is not from a lofty pedestal, but from a human-to-human point of view. That’s where adults become credible to kids, and that’s where adults can begin to reach out and be helpful.