Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: An Open Letter to My Son
Recently the success of a camp that my son conducted in Hawaii prompted him to decide that he was going to remain in Hawaii with his family for several months. The decision came from out of nowhere and had a serious impact on prior commitments that my son had made before moving to Hawaii. One commitment involves my granddaughters being in a family wedding that has been in the making for well over a year. In spite of the fact that thousands of dollars have been spent on airfares, lodging, clothing, and other things related to the wedding, my son was considering whether or not it was absolutely necessary to follow through with his commitment regarding the wedding.
In addition to his belief (shared by many guys) that “weddings are stupid and are a complete waste of time and money,” my son’s wavering was prompted by the enormous financial investment that automatically came with the Hawaii decision. For example, coming to the wedding from Hawaii means that the already-paid-for round-trip tickets from New York to San Diego are worthless and will need to be replaced with round-trip tickets from Hawaii to San Diego.
Even so, I was stunned and upset by what seemed to me to be a self-centered approach to the situation, and I reacted by launching into an uncensored tirade. Of course, I realized immediately the inappropriate nature of my approach and I apologized.
Later, I made a second attempt to express some of my thoughts and feelings in a more sane and rational way. Here is the email that was a result of that effort:
Dear Chris,
Were it not for the amazing progress that you have been making in your continued desire to grow and become a better person, I would not waste a minute writing this email to you. But I honestly believe that, at this point in your life, you are open to positive information that comes to you from a place of genuine love. So here goes.
An early philosopher once postulated that a truly enlightened society would never happen until every person hurts as much as any person who is in pain.
As simple as this concept is regarding love and empathy, it seems to be the hardest concept to integrate into one’s daily life. For years, I’ve tried to figure out why this is true, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the egocentricity that is necessary for a person’s survival and growth is so extremely powerful, it often overrides anything that might compromise it. This includes the altruistic desire to consider the needs of others and/or the desire to put others first.
Unless the ego can figure out a way to benefit from these altruistic desires, it often resists them and the end result is self-centeredness (aka “selfishness”). Because selfishness is socially unacceptable and might lead to being socially ostracized, the ego figures out myriad ways to mask it, and this is when all of the counterproductive social mind games begin.
While selfishness often produces short-term pleasures, it seldom produces long-term positive results. Indeed, selfishness can turn on a person and eventually destroy him or her. This is a historical reality that has happened over and over again.
Selflessness—the opposite of selfishness—often works in the reverse. When one puts others first, the short-term results might be difficult, but the long-term results are far more rewarding. This is what motivates me on a daily basis to strive to serve others.
It is not enough that as a creative person, my creations serve others. There is the matter of my primary responsibilities—which are first to my family, and then to my friends and co-workers. These people in my immediate sphere of influence are in my life for a specific purpose. And by contributing to their lives, I am fulfilling that purpose.
The things that the people in my life might think are important might not be important to me. And the things these people need from me might not be the things I think they need. But in the end, their decisions about what is important to them and what they need or want is theirs to make—not mine.
On a daily basis, life graciously presents many opportunities to become a better person and live a more meaningful life by putting others first. These opportunities are manifested in part in the requests peoples make. They are also manifested via observations of services that might be needed. When one does not follow through with these requests or observations, the person sells himself or herself short. The same is true of making promises that, for whatever reason, one does not keep.
Because you are my son, you are at the top of the list of names that I review every night before I go to bed. Regarding the people on this list, I always ask myself, “Am I doing all I can to make (the person’s) life better?” And when my answer is, “yes,” no matter what difficulties I am facing at the time, I am enveloped by a sense of peace and joy.
The incredible satisfaction and sense of fulfillment that I experience in those moments before I fall asleep is what I want for you. I long for you to attain that amazing state of being far more than I long for your professional or financial success. This is because I have attained both professional and financial success and, in the end, they have not fed my soul as completely as any successful effort to be of service to others.
Meanwhile, while you have made a lot of huge decisions in the past few weeks, you have many more to make. The current decisions that you are facing are going to be your most difficult decisions by far. This is because your plan to move to Hawaii did not seem to take into consideration what was best for anyone beyond your daughters and you. And while doing what is best for your family is an important achievement, it does not negate your commitments and other obligations to the other people within your immediate sphere of influence.
How you handle the upcoming decisions is going to be crucial to your sincere efforts to maintain your credibility and your reputation as a man whose word is his bond. That said, I have no doubt that you can do it. And to that end, I am rooting for you, my one and only son. In addition I am making myself available to help and support your decisions in any way possible.
Why? Because just as you have begun to grow into the amazing lyrics that you have been creating for decades, you are growing into the man I fondly call, “The Son in Whom I am Well Pleased.” And this is a good thing indeed.
Rest assured that I am here to help as you put together your strategies for the coming months. In fact, I welcome contributing to making the strategies work for everyone’s benefit. The sooner we get started, the better.
Love and hugs!
Mom
