Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: What Do Grandparents Know?

Starting with a 1999 trip to Australia to witness the birth of my first granddaughter, I’ve been intricately involved in every phase of my granddaughters’ lives. Even in the early years when they lived in New Mexico and I lived in Arizona, I spent one or two weeks with Waniso and Sekai every month—either at my house or theirs.

My involvement only intensified when, in 2004, my son suggested that the entire family move to the same apartment building in New York so that we could create “the village that it takes to raise a child.” Naturally during the five years that we have lived New York, I have become more involved than ever with my granddaughters.

So when, after conducting a successful music and dance camping program in Hawaii, my son called to let me know that the girls would not likely be returning to New York, I almost had a heart attack.

During the month that the girls have been away I purchased the new books for our nightly bedtime reading sessions. I began planning the five special events that I do every year in both girls’ classrooms. I started gathering together the supplies for two “clubs”—one for each granddaughter, which they want to establish and maintain on a regular basis in my apartment. I ordered a ballet bar and signed up for private lessons for my older granddaughter who has decided she wants to pursue ballet more seriously. And I’ve gathered together backpacks, school supplies, and school clothes.

In light of all of the time and effort that I have invested, I’m cutting myself a little slack for not responding to my son’s announcement with the greatest enthusiasm. Indeed, when he mentioned that he was still considering the pros and cons of the situation (which I have a hard time believing because my chip-off-the-old-block look-before-you-leap son usually knows exactly what he’s going to do long before telling anyone that he’s thinking about doing something), I told him that I was going to submit a few pros and cons to add to his list for consideration. My fingers were already poised on my computer keyboard before my portable phone was back in its base.

Since I haven’t been to the “Shangri-La” that my son claims to have found in a remote location in Hawaii, I couldn’t very well list the cons of the girls living there. But what I could do was list all of the pros of bringing the girls back to the home that he helped established five years ago. So, I listed eight valid pros—all of which focused on ways in which the girls would benefit from returning to New York. Among the pros was my relationship with the girls.

All too often, grandparents are considered to be “nice but not necessary” in the lives of their grandchildren. They are to help out when needed. They are to show up bearing gifts on holidays and special occasions. And they are to open their wallets and homes to their children when convenient. But they are never to have any kind of say regarding what happens to their grandchildren.

And when some of us refuse to go quietly into the night, we are told that it is not our place to “interfere” with the decisions that our children make on behalf of our grandchildren. 

Why? Because, “For God’s sake, what do grandparents know!”

Well, I’ll tell you what we know. We’ve raised kids, and whether or not we were 100% successful all the time, we learned our lessons through firsthand experience, and this is the most valuable kind of education available. Indeed, in the final analysis, we know quite a bit, and our kids would be way ahead of the game if they took our input seriously when they make decisions about our grandchildren.

This is especially true for the grandparents who have proven that their input is based on what is best for their grandchildren instead of what is best for them. For example, if I find out that living in Hawaii is truly in the best interest of my grandchildren, I will support their living there no matter how much I will miss them.

Meanwhile, whatever happened to the belief that the oldest people in the tribe are the wisest and are therefore worthy of respect and deference? While I’ve been told about these situations from a son who has traveled the world and has spent years living with indigenous tribes, I often feel like a kid who has just heard a fairy tale and wonders, “Is that really true?”