Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Once a Parent, Always a Parent
There’s not a stepmother on the face of the earth that wasn’t rolling her eyes when she read the recent People Magazine article about the “new romance” between Jon (of Jon and Kate Plus Eight TV program fame) and a twenty-two-year-old woman who “likes to party.” I know because I speak from firsthand experience.
In the article, Jon states, “I’m in a new period in my life and feel very free.” Now, unless the period to which Jon is referring lasts beyond the first time his new partner sets aside her partying long enough to assist with the nitty-gritty care of eight children, it’s a safe bet that John’s feel-good days are numbered. Everything is always lovey-dovey, hunkie-dory, peachy keen in the first stages of these kinds of relationships. But trust me, things can take a turn for the worse when the reality of children sets in.
In light of Jon’s family situation, the gushing declarations of love and devotion were pretty difficult to read. But even more difficult is the fact that during the romantic getaways in which the couple are “getting to know each other,” Jon’s kids are never around.
How in the heck can anyone get to know Jon apart from his children when so much of his identity is wrapped up in the fact that he is the father of five girls and three boys?
I realize that many people resist making the parenting role a part of a person’s identity. But didn’t Jon make his fatherhood central to his identity when he allowed a reality show to be built around it? Being a parent impacts every aspect of a person’s life and helps to mold the person’s identity. For example, when describing myself to others, the first part of my description always includes “mother” and “grandmother.” I am proud to be a mother and grandmother. These roles are a big part of who I am.
When I was single and my children were still living at home, I used to tell every man that I dated, “My kids were in my life before you were, and they are my top priority. If you think that you might have difficulty with me putting them first, you might want to reconsider getting involved with me.
At the same time, I believed that turn-about was fair play, and if would-be boyfriends had children, I encouraged them to address their children’s needs before considering mine. Indeed, I had absolutely no respect for any father who did not put his children first.
Although I proudly participated in the Women’s Liberation Movement, I never fully embraced the “I’ve got to be me, I’ve got to be free” spinoff stance that prompted many women to abandon their families in search of themselves. Somehow I knew that such a stance would create a pay-me-now-or-pay-me-later situation that would come back to bite absentee mothers in the behind. As it turns out, I was right. The mothers who left their families had a high price to pay when they inevitably decided to reengage with their children. (Remember the Academy Award-winning movie, Kramer vs. Kramer?)
The fact is, once a person becomes a parent, there’s no turning back. Parenthood is an irreversible decision that can never be vacated. The only choice is to be an involved parent or a non-involved parent. Being a non-parent after having or adopting a child is never an option.
One of my children’s favorite bedtime storybooks was Runaway Bunny in which a disgruntled bunny declares that is he going to run away from home. But no matter where he alleges he is going to run, the mother assures him that she will always come after him. In the end, the bunny decides to stay home.
A child’s need to have parents be there through thick and thin does not only pertain to mothers. Hopefully, during all of Jon’s comings and goings, he will never forget this crucial fact of parenthood.
