Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Answers To Three Questions About Death

QUESTION #1:  Is there a difference in the advice that one would give to a child who has lost a parent after a long-term illness and a child who has lost a parent suddenly?

Losing a parent is one of the biggest traumas that any child can encounter. And whatever the circumstances surrounding a parent’s death, getting over it is always extremely difficult.

Losing a parent unexpectedly and losing a parent after a long-term illness are two completely different experiences that impact children in different ways.

The Sudden Death of a Parent

Predictable stressors are usually easier to deal with than non-predictable stressors. This is because predictability allows one to adjust to and even prepare for stressful situations. Conversely, unpredictability keeps a person off-balance and in a state of fear over the unknown. This limits a person’s ability to adjust and cope. Thus the unpredictability underlying the sudden death of a parent can make it more difficult to handle than a death of a parent after a long-term illness.

Sudden deaths can also cause children to become extremely fearful that they or someone else might die in the immediate future. These children often have difficulty being alone and sleeping. They fear that they might go to sleep and not wake up. Or they fear that they might wake up to some horrible news.

Sudden deaths often give rise to a great deal of regret and guilt. Children feel bad that they did not have time to treat the parent better and/or make amends when he or she was alive. They also regret not being able to say goodbye. These uncomfortable feelings, combined with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and insecurity can make it very difficult for children to work through their grief to a more positive place.

Death of a Parent After a Long-Term Illness

With a sudden death, there is no time to prepare for the fact that the person will no longer be physically present. On the other hand, a long-term illness often provides time for children to adjust to the thought that a person will no longer be physically present. However, waiting for the other shoe to drop can be a slow, agonizing process that can take a huge emotional toll. Many children can become resentful of the inconvenience to their lives and reduced parental care caused by a long-time illness. This emotional upheaval can result in a brief sense of relief when the parent dies, but the relief is frequently short-lived, as it is often replaced by guilt over having felt relieved. Feelings of guilt can be further complicated by deep regret over not appreciating the parent who passed away, and not treating him or her better when he or she was alive.

This cauldron of uncomfortable emotions and behavior can inhibit the grieving process and make it very difficult for children to move to a more positive place in their lives so that they can continue their development.

QUESTION #2: Can you give some tips to help children cope with the death of a parent?

As soon as possible, it is important to begin an open, honest dialogue with the child. If the surviving parent is too absorbed in his or her own grief to help the child, someone else needs to be recruited to initiate the dialogue and keep it going until the child has worked through his or her grief—which will take a year at the very least.

The dialogue should begin by encouraging the child to share his or her thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feelings need to be acknowledged, accepted, explored, and resolved.

Next, the child needs to be nurtured into the discovery and confronting of emotions that he or she has not volunteered. These often include the feelings of fear, resentment, guilt, and regret that I mentioned above. These emotions also need to be acknowledged, accepted, explored, and resolved.

I’ve written several books for children of all ages that help them handle emotions in positive, instead of negative ways. In these books, I encourage children to work through four steps to resolve their emotions when something traumatic happens. These steps are: Step 1: Face it. Step 2: Accept it. Step 3: Decide what needs to be done. Step 4: Do what needs to be done.

While children usually need to pick up some of the pieces after a parent has died, there are some pieces that a child cannot pick up. These matters need to be identified and the child needs to be shown how to get these needs met. For example, if the deceased parent used to check the child’s homework, the child needs to figure out another way to have his or her homework checked. To do this, the need must be defined and possible solutions discussed. Then the child needs to pursue the best solution. Even in this scenario, the child has to take on more responsibility.

Last, but not least, children need to be encouraged to do things that will help them honor and never forget the parent who died. This includes putting together things like photo albums, scrapbooks, keepsake boxes, journals, etc. Doing things like visiting the gravesite, watching home movies, and having open talks about the deceased are all helpful things to do as well.

QUESTION #3: What is the most important message to reinforce a child who has lost a parent?

It is important to remind children that, after a person dies, he or she can live on in the hearts and minds of the people left behind. So remembering a person who has passed away is a wonderful way to keep him or her “alive” and always present.