Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: So What Can We Learn from Jon And Kate—Part Two
“Jon and Kate plus Eight” is a reality show involving two parents and their eight children. Recently the couple announced their decision to separate and the media exploded with opinions regarding their decision.
The decision to maintain or abandon a marriage that is struggling must begin with an honest assessment of why one is choosing to stay or leave. If two people are completely compatible but are merely hitting a rough patch in their marriage, every effort should be made to rehabilitate the union. However, if two people are truly incompatible and are always at odds, it does not work to anyone’s advantage to continue the marriage.
Too often, people remain in a bad marriage for all of the wrong reasons: “for the sake of the kids,” because it is financially expedient, because there is an aversion to change, or because the marriage is a known and is therefore comfortable while everything else is an unknown and is scary. While these reasons make it difficult to leave a marriage, none of them in the final analysis will overcome an abysmal home life created by an absence of love and respect. And none will eliminate the anxiety and pain caused by unrelenting conflict.
So, if Jon and Kate follow through with a divorce, here is the advice that I would offer to them:
To begin with, children need to be reminded that there are two sides to every story and their parents’ divorce is no exception to the rule. Then, they need to be given an honest, objective account of both sides. In the event the parents are too emotional or caught up in the conflict to provide an objective account of each other’s perspective, a non-partisan adult should be recruited to explain both sides to the children. Once children have honest, accurate information, they should never be forced to choose sides. And neither should they be forced to share an opinion about who is right or wrong.
At no time should a child be led to think that a parent’s rejection of the other parent is a rejection of the child. Parents should clearly state, “I am leaving (Mommy or Daddy), not you.”
At no time should a child be led to think that he or she did anything to cause the divorce. Parents should clearly state, “The divorce is our decision and you did nothing to cause it.”
Under no circumstances should children be used as pawns to shape up or punish another parent. And neither should they be put in the middle of the parents’ arguments.
Children should be assured that their parents will work diligently to insure that there will be as little disruption to their lives as possible. Last but not least, children should be encouraged to take responsibility for their own post-divorce situations. This includes doing their best to maintain positive relationships with both parents and not doing anything that would pit the parents against each other. It also includes doing everything possible to help make a happy home.
In spite of the media’s delight in doomsday stories, Jon and Kate have the power to create another kind of story—one with a happy ending. And no doubt, such a story would suit the “Plus Eight” part of the family just fine. 
