Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Whining
One of my greatest weaknesses as a parent and grandparent has always been giving in to a child who is crying. No doubt the extreme discomfort I feel when a child is in distress is what prompts me to cave in, even when it is not good for the child for me to do so.
About a month ago, I told Sekai, my younger granddaughter, that I owed her an apology. When she asked, “Why?” I told her, “I want other people to know what a fantastic person you are. But the truth is, your great qualities are often overshadowed by your tendency to whine when you don’t get what you want. When I give in to your whining, I teach you that whining is an appropriate way for you to get what you want, and this is not good for you. So I am sorry for giving in to you when you whined yesterday. Will you please forgive me?
I could see the wheels turning in Sekai’s head before she finally accepted my apology. Then I asked her, “Will you help me not to make the same mistake again?”
“Yes,” she said tenuously. “But sometimes people don’t listen to me, and I don’t like it.”
I answered, “I understand. But whining only makes things worse.” Then I retrieved my book about whining (in my Help Me Be Good series) from the shelf and we read it together.
My next move was to discuss the situation with my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. I asked Sekai to explain to everyone why she thought that she whined. Then we discussed ways all of us could address Sekai’s need for attention and other things before she felt that she had to resort to whining to get them.
The suggestion that Sekai pick appropriate times to approach her parents and me when she needed to be heard was a great beginning. (For example, a good time to approach an adult is not when they are talking on the phone.) In addition, other suggestions like, “Talk instead of whine so that others can understand what you are saying and will be more inclined to give you a favorable response,” have also worked out well.
Even though she sometimes regresses, Sekai is making great progress on the whining front. And thankfully, so are the adults who surround her.
