Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Criticism And Rejection
I sat horrified as a mother told me a story about her young daughter who had recently attended a slumber party. After months of hurling debilitating criticism and rejection at the girl, a group of “mean girls” finally did an about-face and offered her a coveted invitation to their slumber party. Elated by what seemed to be a positive change in direction, the girl enthusiastically accepted the invitation and began to count down the days to what she was sure would be a fun party.
Once at the event, the girl felt ostracized as the other girls excluded her from their conversations and other interactions. Why did they invite me? the girl lamented to herself as she retreated to her sleeping bag where she softly cried herself to sleep.
All too soon, morning would come and bring with it the answer to the girl’s question. She was the first awake and make her way to the bathroom. Once inside, an inadvertent glance in the mirror caused the girl to scream out in disbelief. The agonizing scream brought gales of laughter from the other room.
The night before, the mean girls had covered their victim from head to toe in black permanent ink graffiti. While the other guests at the party found the situation to be wildly humorous and entertaining, the girl was devastated. But the sick joke that was completely at the girl’s expense was just the beginning of the heinous assault.
According to the mother who told me the story, an expected apology never came from anyone involved in the cruel prank. Instead, the mother was met with stony coldness when she confronted the parents of the girls who had committed the offense. She was told in no uncertain terms that “kids will be kids,” and that her daughter needed to lighten up and learn how to take a joke. Not a single parent expressed a modicum of disbelief or regret over what had happened. Indeed, they encourage the mother and her daughter to “Get over it!”
As certain as I am about anything, I am certain that what happened to that girl will impact her life forever—and most likely in a negative way. Indeed, the woman’s story prompted several of the people standing nearby to offer emotional tellings of similar incidents that had plagued their childhoods.
Criticism and rejection are powerful social interactions that have the potential to destroy a person’s life. This is why I wrote about it in a book called You Can Get Over It. In it I attempt to explain the difference between constructive and destructive criticism and how both can be handled in positive instead of negative ways.
Teaching children the proper way to offer criticism, as well as the proper way to receive and process it, is one of the most important things young people need to learn. And, by the way, teaching children that practical jokes are only funny when everyone involved thinks that they are funny is also important. Indeed, getting a laugh at the expense of another person is never acceptable, and people who think that it is need to “Get over it!”
