Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Earning An Allowance

I was downstairs in the laundry room folding clothes beside a woman who had just moved to our apartment building with her 10-year-old son. I first saw him riding his skateboard in our parking lot while the movers were taking his family’s belongings to his new home on the fourth floor. The woman and I got to talking about her son, and well into the conversation she heaved a sigh of exasperation and said, “I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but sometimes I resent the fact that our relationship is so one-sided.”

“You and thousands of other parents,” I responded without missing a beat. “No matter how unselfish and altruistic a parent is, there can come a time when he or she asks, ‘What’s in this for me?’ It’s a fair question. Parent/child relationships can become so lopsided. And lopsided relationships aren’t good for anyone.”

“Well, how in the world does a single mom create a more balanced parent/child relationship?” the woman asked.

“In your case,” I ventured, “you might want to start with an allowance.”

“An allowance?” she protested. He already gets everything he wants.”

“Maybe that’s the point,” I explained. “Maybe he shouldn’t get everything he wants. Maybe he should get only what he deserves or earns.”

Being an older woman often allows me to dispense advice without a lot of resistance. But this time I wondered whether I had crossed the line as we continued to fold clothes in silence. But then the woman spoke up again.

“I’m open to any and all suggestions.”

I went on to explain how an allowance is one of the best ways for a child to learn that getting something is often dependent on giving something. I explained that an effective allowance system sets forth exactly how a child can contribute to the family in order to receive all of the benefits that the family has to offer. I also explained that these lessons invariably teach the crucial lesson that nothing in life is free.

Later on that day, I took my new neighbor a housewarming gift. It was my Earn Your Allowance kit. She took the kit and smiled a huge smile.

We’ve been close friends ever since.