Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: On Divorce

I’ve been through a lot of tough times in my life, but nothing was more difficult than my son and daughter-in-law’s divorce. I love both of them equally, and I wanted them to survive the divorce intact. More important, I wanted my granddaughters to survive the two-year-long ordeal.

Like many young parents, my son and daughter-in-law adopted the opinion, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” and decided to tell their children nothing about what was going on. They thought that if nothing were said, the girls simply would not register what was happening.

Nothing could have been further from the truth. Children notice everything and they know when something is not right. In addition, if not given honest, accurate information, they tend to fill in the blanks with their own answers—and this can be disastrous.

So against my son and daughter-in-law’s better judgment, but with their tacit permission, I began to set the record straight with the girls.

How honest was I? Completely. I told them the truth because I knew that they would eventually discover it, and I did not want them to do so under less favorable conditions. With me telling them, I could make certain that neither parent was made into a villain. Instead, I could reinforce the notion that in every relationship each person is responsible in one way or another for its successes and failures. I could also make sure that the girls never personalized the divorce and that they never set themselves up as the reason for the failure of their parents’ marriage.

It never ceases to amaze me how well children respond to the truth. Once they know where everything stands, they’re better equipped to start taking steps to make things okay for themselves. This is exactly what happened with my granddaughters, and while all of us wish that the marriage had remained intact, everyone is thankful for the way the girls have adjusted to the situation.

So, as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to divorce and kids, honesty is truly the best policy.