Parenting Advice From Joy Berry: Fitting In/Being Liked
I love my nine-year-old granddaughter. Already she is a “woman of causes.” In keeping with her school’s mandate that every student do whatever is necessary to help save the rainforests, she and four of her friends decided to hold a bake sale. In support of her efforts, I volunteered my apartment for the planning and preparations for the event.
Several days before the bake sale, I went to pick up the five girls at school for an afternoon of making posters and flyers. I was surprised when only four of the girls met me outside classroom. Just as I was turning to lead the girls to the car, the fifth girl bolted from the room and ran to her father.
When I didn’t get a sufficient answer as to why Katrina was not joining us, I walked over to Katrina and her father. “You look like you had a bad day,” I said to Katrina. “Are you okay?”
Katrina burst into tears. Her father suggested that we talk later and we went our separate ways.
Once everyone was in the car, I asked the girls what had happened to upset Katrina. When no one could or would shed any light on the situation, my granddaughter spoke up. “It’s not our fault that Katrina is no longer our friend. She said that she didn’t like us and didn’t want to be part of the bake sale.”
The other girls looked at each other knowingly and nodded their heads in agreement.
When we got to the apartment, I asked the girls to sit down so that we could talk, and this was what I told them:
“Girls love drama. And if drama doesn’t exist, girls will create it. One way girls create drama is to form a small group that criticizes or ostracizes others. A big problem with this tactic is that it can backfire on an individual if and when the group decides to make that person the target of the criticism or exclusion. This means that one day you can be in and the next day you can be out. When you’re out, it isn’t any fun. Think about it. How would you like to be in Katrina’s shoes right now?”
I left the girls in the living room to make their posters and flyers and didn’t say another word to them about Katrina.
Two days later, I was thrilled to see Katrina at the bake sale and all five girls getting along splendidly.
