I read about the Arizona child abuse trial involving Raul and Trica Varela and my heart sank—first for the child, and then for the parents. The broken bones and bruises inflicted on the Varela’s 4-year-old daughter during a “potty-training war” speaks to the frustration parents often experience when attempting to toilet train their children.
While there is likely a lot more to the Valera situation than two parents trying to potty train a child, and while most parents would never allow their emotions and their behavior to get as out of control as these two parents did, much can be learned from this cautionary tale.
Toilet training often causes parents to act in ways that are far beyond what is normal for them. The tipping point is often the complete exhaustion and exasperation that builds up after two years or more of dealing with the constant hassle and aggravation of dirty diapers.
If you hope to potty train your child, it is crucial to avoid setting yourself up for failure. Wait for your child to be physically, intellectually, and emotionally ready to use the toilet. Avoid setting deadlines. Instead give the process many months to produce the desired results. Expect and accept normal accidents and setbacks. Praise any amount of progress no matter how small it is. And find comfort in the reality that this too shall pass. (Do you know of a normal kindergartener who still wears diapers? Probably not.)
With a solid strategy and a healthy amount of patience, I promise you that dirty diapers can and will indeed be a thing of the past.
(Especially when spoken in a whiny voice)
How to Stop Your Child From Saying Things That Can Ruin a Holiday Visit
(Without the Use of a Gag, a Muzzle, or Tape–Smile)
1. I don’t like it here!
No one enjoys being a tag-along instead of an invited guest. Avoid taking your child to places and events that are geared toward adults and do not accommodate the needs and desires of children.
2. I’m bored!
Bring along things for your child to do that will not make a mess or damage or destroy anything. Portable DVD players and/or electronic games (with headphones) work well. And so do coloring books and activity books that don’t require permanent markers, paint, or water.
3. There’s no one to play with!
Whenever appropriate, try to include your child in as many conversations and activities as possible. In the event this is impossible, get your child involved with independent activities that he or she will enjoy doing.
4. Something stinks!
Discuss with your child the negative things that he or she might encounter in another environment. Then explain to your child that negative comments about someone else’s environment are rude and should not be said.
5. Is there anything to eat?
Unless the event includes a meal, feed your child before the event. Also bring along non-messy snacks that your child will enjoy eating during the event.
6. I accidentally broke something!
Instruct your child ahead of time not to run or engage in any other kind of boisterous activity indoors. Try to keep your child away from valuable objects or objects that are in precarious locations. If at all possible, make sure that you can see, and therefore supervise, your child at all times.
7. The toilet’s stopped up!
Accompany your child whenever he or she needs to use the bathroom in order to ensure that everything is used properly and everything is left tidy and clean.
8. I’m going to be sick!
Take your child seriously when he or she complains about feeling sick. Tend to the illness and leave immediately if your child does not get better.
9. How much longer do we have to stay?
Before attending the event, let your child know how long you will be staying. Then stick to the amount of time that has been allotted unless both of you agree to shorten or extend your stay.
10. Can we go now?
When it is time to leave the event and everyone is ready to go, leave right away instead of prolonging your communications or farewells.
(Especially when spoken in a whiny voice)
How to Help Your Child Say the Right Thing So He or She Won’t Ruin a Gift
(or stop getting them in the future)
When one attends as many conventions as I’ve attended during the last 30 years, they all start to blend together into one huge blur. But such was not the case with the Child’s Play Communications’ 2nd Annual Bloggers Brunch put together by a group of premier mommy bloggers.
The event began with a panel of six mommy bloggers who shared the basics of what they do and what they don’t do. All six women were intelligent and savvy on so many levels—first as businesswomen, but more important, as mommies. In fact, it was their role as mothers that catapulted them into blogging and a burgeoning industry that impacts the lives of moms all over the world.
I learned a great deal during the panel discussion (i.e. the difference between a journalist and a blogger—which is the fact that a journalist is required to be objective while a blogger is expected to write from personal opinion and experience). However, the part of the convention that I liked best was the time after the panel discussion during which I was able to interact one on one with the mommy bloggers. The subjects of the blog sites ran the gamut from the benefits of nursing for a longer rather than shorter period of time to raising children in an Orthodox Jewish family.
Interestingly enough, no matter how narrowly defined the focus of an individual site, there always seemed to be an audience that was hungry for the information that it provided. And this is why I came away with a whole new appreciation for the media age.
There was a time when I went kicking and screaming into the media age, but quite frankly, the mommy bloggers brunch reminded me why I finally got on board. Since, for a variety of reasons, moms no longer talk over the back fence, what better way is for them to communicate with each other than through the Internet?
This is why I want to say to mommy bloggers everywhere, “You go, girl!” Smile.
As we were pulling away from the Disneyland Hotel, my older granddaughter uttered something that every parent or grandparent hopes to hear immediately following a family adventure. “Everything was absolutely perfect,” she sighed wistfully. “I had so much fun.”
Several things prompted her remark.
For starters, Disneyland is a pretty magical place. However, as evidenced by the myriad of crying children throughout the park, it can easily become a nightmare if it is not experienced properly.
I purposely chose to take my granddaughters to the park during a down time. That meant that the crowds were thinner and the lines were much shorter than they usually are. We also took advantage of the Fast Pass program as often as we could. The Fast Passes that we collected assigned times for us to return to high-volume rides where we were allowed to bypass the longer lines.
It helped that we had a four-day pass that allowed us to experience the park in small, manageable doses. It also helped that we were in an adjoining hotel that allowed us quick access to the park. When the girls grew tired of lines and rides, we would return to the hotel for a swim and snack break. This made it possible to alternate between the hotel and park from early morning to late at night.
Another successful strategy included allowing the girls to plan each day. After the plan was established, all of us agreed to stick to it unless the two girls could agree on any suggested modification. Encouraging them to work their strategy in their own way and at their own pace put them in control and also made them responsible for working together to make everything turn out okay.
There was something else that worked well. I began the four days with my promise that each of the girls would be able to purchase a souvenir of their choice on our last day in the park. I addressed every “gimme” by writing down each requested item and noting where it could be found. Then I encouraged the girls to review the list of items before making their final purchases.
In the end, my older granddaughter purchased a silver charm bracelet, my younger granddaughter purchased a special Build-A-Bear, and both girls could not have been more pleased with their choices.
Last but not least, I had no hidden agenda and I made certain that there would be no interruptions of any kind. Therefore, the girls were the complete focus of my attention. This is one of the most important considerations when it comes to successful family experiences. Parents with their ears glued to their cell phones don’t make very enjoyable or engaging companions.
The girls and I witnessed a good example of this after passing through the Disneyland turnstile. A small family was following close behind when we overheard the father announce, “I want everyone to see that I am turning off my cell phone!” At that point, the littlest family member squealed with delight while the two older siblings high-fived each other.
The girls and I looked at each other knowingly, and I whispered to them, “Now that’s the way to start a perfect family outing at Disneyland!”